I prayed this morning it was all a dream. Surely, this could never happen. The rock in my stomach and the throbbing in my head reminded me this was either a painful nightmare or the real thing. I went through the motions to get ready for work, the usual for a Wednesday: shave, shower, feed the pets, get dressed and eat breakfast. There was no Metroid Prime 2 for me this morning although blowing stuff up might have been some good therapy. I quietly ate my honey nut shredded wheat and watched half of a GI Joe cartoon. I wanted to watch the whole thing but I also wanted to leave. I needed to get out.

I got to work a half hour early and have been here ever since. I wonder if that's why the clock seems to be stopped. There's no music today in my office which is really weird. I hate quiet, but I've yet to be motivated to turn on anything. I brought my Cowboy Mouth CDs for therapy, but they sit in the case. I guess I'm just not ready "to be glad to be alive". Odd as it is, I don't even want to listen to Opie and Anthony today. I don't want to laugh. At this point I wonder if I will ever laugh again. Too much melodrama there. I'm sure I will laugh again because I love to laugh, but it will take me a long time to get that sense of humor back.

So I sit here, barely able to keep my eyes open at times. I sit and try to think, but my mind is a blank slate. The only thing I see is WHY? I fake a smile and exchange pleasantries with my coworkers as if nothing is wrong, yet I sit in my office, the door closed, wanting to make the pain disappear. It hides for awhile but then peeks out and jabs me right in the chest.

It will be another week before I can talk to the counselor although I've already called to check for cancellations. Will tomorrow be different? I don't expect any other answers or revelations, but maybe the breaking will stop.

"If I sound above it
I can't sit in judgment
Cause I ain't sure where I'd be sittin
These are all my problems
Lord, I tried to drop them
Cause this ain't how I should be livin

Easy to bitch
Easy to whine
Easy to moan
Easy to cry
Easy to feel like there ain't nothing in your life
(Life)

Harder to work
Harder to strive
Harder to be glad to be alive
But its really worth it if you give it a try"